More research

Read this today thanks to some other heart moms:

http://www.research.chop.edu/publications/press-releases/?ID=728

Macsen is no longer on the growth chart and is not yet 12 lbs @ 5 month. This makes me so sad. I know he's like a hummingbird - his heart beating faster and working harder than other babies and he eats every 90-100 minutes. Trying to keep fueled up. This research should make me feel better but it was never something I blamed myself for... I know breastmilk is where it is at for a baby - my girls were humongous- it's just another dose of reality that yet again there is something going on with my baby that I can't fix. No matter how much I force feed him - coercing him to eat by dancing while I feed him, carrying him walking circles around our house to distract him so he'll eat, feeding him in his bouncy while I sing to him and pat his back at the same time. He eats most of the time to humour me - not because he is really hungry. And he just isn't growing very fast. I took all that for granted with our girls / they are hungry, they eat, they grow - proud mama. Maybe it will be better that we have to mail the scale back to CHOP and I will no longer weigh him everyday - resetting the digital scale over and over, pushing his kicking feet back on the platform, sliding him down so his awesome hair registers too. Finally accepting he didn't gain today either, or he lost 20 grams, or Hallelujah he gained 40 grams. An emotional rollercoaster - everyday at 10:30 am.
On another note a fellow heart mom informed me that CHOP's beds are all full due to the insane flu season we are having AND infection is rampant in the hospital and they can't pinpoint the reason why. Great. As if I wasn't terrified enough. Praying Macsen will be ok. Praying Macsen will be ok. Praying Macsen will be ok...