Hard Decisions

Our regular OB appointment went well. Macsen weighs over 2 lbs which is average for his gestational age. Yay! Nice to have something be average :) Appointments to my OB are always bittersweet. It always brings back memories of my "normal" pregnancies with the girls - the excitement, expectation. Sitting beside parents who I imagine are blissfully unaware of the specific anatomy of their baby's heart - just like we were. Then comes the question - "What are you having?" while they watch my 2 girls twirling in the waiting room. "A boy." "Oh, you must be so excited!" "Well, yes but...." Sometimes I just leave it at that - other times I feel compelled to share the diagnosis about Macsen's heart. Probably TMI for most people - I just can't stop myself sometimes.
I was in what I can only call a "super blue all encompassing funk" last week - the kind that makes you want to crawl in bed and sleep away reality for as long as your active kids will allow. It was after we got back from Atlanta. I couldn't figure it out. We hadn't gotten any new information, not really. The surgeon seems great, the facilities state of the art. I kept telling myself to stay positive - to have faith. Finally Aaron and I talked and when I asked him what he thought about Atlanta he said "I really like them and I think if Macsen just had straightforward HLHS we would definitely have him there. But I don't feel like it's the place for him. I think we have to go to CHOP."
WHOOSH!
The weight lifted, the clouds parted, birds began singing - however you want to say it I felt such RELIEF!  I so wanted Atlanta to work - it's 4 hours away, the girls could probably stay in our own home, Carys could start Kindergarten here with friends she's grown up with, we could probably bring Macsen home between surgery #1 and #2, Aaron would always be a few hours away. It just makes more sense. But no matter how much I tried to reason with myself it just wasn't the "right" decision - not for Macsen, and not for us. Whatever comes, whatever happens to Macsen after birth - I know I have to be able to say with 100% certainty that we did everything we could to help him. The what ifs would kill me.
So, as of now we're going to CHOP to deliver. I want to keep the girls with me - I don't feel it would be better to add a huge separation on top of all the other upheavals we're going to go through. I'm looking into homeschooling Carys since I don't know how long we'll be there. Could be only weeks if he doesn't make it, could be a couple of months if he does really well, or many months if it's a struggle. Who can say. We'll try to stay in Philadelphia to make it all simpler. We'll do as many fundraisers as we can - and as many as our friends can stand - so Aaron can stay with us as long as possible - definitely for the move up there and the waiting to go into labor. I'm terrified he would miss it and it would be too late when he got there :(  and for the first surgery and recovery part. After that it's all a "wait and see" sort of situation. Can't plan too far - it's pointless.
Monday is another appointment with the cardiologist in Pensacola for another fetal echo. Lets hope his valve continues to hold and nothing else has gotten worse since his last echo 3 weeks ago.